It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’m feeling listless right now, reflecting on the last couple days and months.
Change is a word that’s been burned into my mind since R shared her closing thoughts about change and MLK a few months ago. Over the last few months, I’ve been chasing change. I took the word change to mean that I need a new job, among other things. I’ve been putting myself out there, interviewing, facing rejection, picking myself up, battling obstacles and self doubt, and going for it again.
So I went for it. Several phone interviews, on-site interviews at two different places, one second round even. And rejection as the result. And inevitable reflection after the rejection. My resume looks pretty good on paper. No gaps. Steady and long tenures with national and global companies. A wide range of experiences that make me a well-rounded marketer. But self-doubt is creeping in. Why no progression to director level? Why not deeper experience in people management and leadership? Why not a higher salary at this stage in my career?
So I was rejected. Twice.
The next obstacle was a nasty cold. My wife caught one, and then I caught one, and it hit me hard. Followed by sinusitis and bronchitis. It took me out of practice for more than two weeks. It also took away my focus and desire to study yoga. I turned to western medicine, and dove into Breaking Bad marathons on Netflix. Practicing asanas, pranayama and meditation were not a natural part of my life when I was sick and recovering. And I learned something my practice. Yoga is not as integrated into my life as I thought it was.
The cold allowed some time for some reflection but also self-doubt, mostly about my career.
Still, I recovered and returned to practice, slowly at first. I’ve had classes at the gym as well as the studio, but feel like I’m not fully back in the groove.
I’ve also picked myself up, and started to interview again. Friday was a doozy. I was invited in for an interview at a small but not quite startup business. I took the Friday afternoon before Memorial Day off for the interview, which was almost certain not to raise any suspicion from my current boss. And the interview was a disaster that ended up with an offer for a voluntary consulting project. I rejected that offer, but felt like I could have yielded a more compelling offer if I performed better in the interview. I felt like an idiot for wasting my time chasing a job with someone else’s startup dream.
I also got into an argument with my wife when I decided to go catch a twilight round of golf at Canal Shores Friday afternoon. My game was hazardous and unfocused, and I lost several balls in the thick grass and brush. When I got home, I over-ate and had three drinks as well. I hadn’t felt that low in a long while.
So I am picking myself up again.
They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Maybe that should be my takeaway from anonymously applying for jobs. I need to learn to leverage my network if I really want a new job, and have that personal connection. For the weekend at least, I am taking a breather.
I am also wrestling with my relationship with yoga. When I was battling the cold, it was eye opening to me to see how quickly yoga could become a distant part of my life. I know my body needs rest, but I thought the mental part of my practice might be more present during illness. Not so for me at this stage.
I feel like I coming to a crossroads at how deep my practice will be, what philosophy I will follow, and how fully I follow the eight limbs. The question of vegetarianism looms, and makes me question how truly and sincerely I can follow the classical yoga path while still eating meat.